Soul Stealing Thursday, Sep 15 2011 

Does anyone else feel like their soul is being devoured by their job?

Call me crazy but I think that’s the first sign that I need a career change. The downside of that is being able to afford all of my bills. In this economy, there is no way in hell I have a shot at a job that would pay me near the same and have much in security. Also doesn’t help that my fiance’ doesn’t have a remotely well paying job. If I can just hold onto a small part of my soul until my car is paid off then maybe i can find a job that isn’t so soul sucking and unfulfilling.

Although maybe if I would be better about taking my meds it might be easier. Although every work day is literally 110% of dread. I sleep like crap on work days and have motivation to do nothing. The rare day I do feel motivated i get so stressed from work and so workaholic that i dream about work. There isn’t a much worse nightmare that dreaming you are at work and still doing your workload in your sleep.

Zero hour well sorta Tuesday, Sep 13 2011 

I have been experiencing a lot of dizziness the past few months. I work with a diabetic that had a clean test needle, not blood sugar problems. Went to my general practitioner and got lots of meds and 2 months later still experiencing problems.

Today I am going to an ENT specialist. My left ear has felt clogged for a while now. I also keep wanting to go all Van Gogh on it and chop it off for the discomfort and occasional pain it causes me.

Add into the mix someone with anxiety that worries for the worst. My exact thoughts, “Do I have a tumor?” “OMG I might die!” and my personal favorite, “hell this job literally is starting to kill me.”

I hope I can get an answer today. 2011 has not been a good year for my health. Have either been stuffed up or dizzy all year it seems.

uncheerful Thursday, Sep 8 2011 

Wow what a not so cheerful day. Turns out I am getting a new supervisor at work…one who i already know does not like me. I know I have messed up a few times on the stuff I got from this person, so it might be deserved, but it still stinks. It’s another nail in the I can’t handle where I work coffin. It is really encouraging me to try to look for a different position.

It also is encouraging me further into figuring out a way to take steps toward self employment. But that leads me to ask myself will get just as anxious and nerved up if I was pilotting the plane instead of being just another crew member?

What I want to do when I grow up…??? Tuesday, Aug 16 2011 

Working can suck, but so can the idea of switching careers.

I will not say what I do other than that I work at a desk and make a decent living. The job has helped to provide me with a lot of things I wanted in life physically but emotionally it does nothing. Emotionally it sucks monkey butts.

Some days I can enjoy my job and feel like I might contributing to the big picture. Most days I feel like a pointless nut in the system. I don’t like sitting at a desk all day long staring at a computer screen. I’d much rather go outdoors or at least be moving around.

I’ve thought about starting my own business but I can’t figure out anything. I wonder at time if there just working from home most of the time would help me to feel better about my current position, but I know I can’t constantly telecommute.
If I were actually using my degree maybe I’d feel better about coming into this place everyday. There are 2 openings in that office opening up. It’s difficult to put together a resume’ when you haven’t had the chance to work in the realm you are applying to for 3 years though.

Would I still be miserable running my own business? There is a lot more added stress then and instability. Also going off on my own to get a more fulfilling career would also cost some financial freedom and might make that desire to travel much more difficult also the whole time frame too would be harder to take off huge chunks of time to take long vacations in far off lands, like Australia. Although if I had a job I could telework to then i could work from anywhere in the world.

Could I ever find a balance that works for me? Dealing with anxiety most would think a low stress job would be better. I sometimes think the busier I am the less time I have to analyze and let the anxiety take a hold.

All I do know is that I am getting tired of this eternal battle of feeling more fulfilled.

Of dealing with Beliefs Thursday, May 19 2011 

I am an avid reader of apracticalwedding.com and last week a post about dealing with churches and personal choices really sparked my thoughts.

I am currently in the incredibly early planning stages of a wedding. I was raised Roman Catholic and my fiance’ was raised Lutheran. I no longer can agree with the catholic church. I feel that same sex marriage should be allowed. It is 2 adults who want to make a commitment to each other, they should have the freedom to do so. A marriage is a commitment of 2 people who love each other who say i want you by my side through the good times and the bad. What’s so wrong with that? Plenty of couples get married after they are of child bearing years so if they can get married, what’s the difference of a same sex couple?

I also feel that a female should be able to say mass. I don’t understand the sexism in that. If you are Christian you believe everyone was made in God’s likeness so to say a female presiding over mass doesn’t re-enact Jesus during the last supper doesn’t make sense and feels wrong to me.
Now i need to figure out how to break the news to my family that I won’t be getting married in a catholic ceremony. My future in-laws are also heavily against a catholic ceremony.

So i need to finally face my family on my evolved religious beliefs, and still deal with wanting to find a church to belong to again that doesn’t make me feel like a terrible person for having pre-marital sex and living with him before marriage. Nervous and paranoid about it? You bet.

Hoppy Easter Sunday, Apr 24 2011 

Hoppy Easter.  My turn to get into the world of online blogging.  I enjoy poetry.  I am a huge animal lover and have several pets.  I have anxiety issues and will let who ever the hell feels like reading this a look into the world of someone who suffers anxiety and you might get to enjoy other ramblings and an occasional poetic word too.

And for anyone who is Jewish, I hope you had a pleasant Passover.

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